Rocks

Sophomore year of high school we fought like cats and dogs. I actually don't think we went a whole week with out getting into a fight. Through that came so many beautiful stories.

Once we were fighting - I have no clue what about - you would stand at "the line" and throw rocks at my window on the second floor. In front of my room was the deans apartment  and more often than not your rocks would fall short and hit her roof. I remember one time I was especially pissed and you climbed a tree with rocks in your hand to throw at my window. I could see you sitting in the tree and you were making call noises at me. When I didn't show signs of interest you started throwing rocks.  I 'm laughing just thinking about it. Mrs. Berlin (the dean) opens one of her windows and yells at you to stop throwing rocks! You responded that it was important you got my attention. So Mrs. Berlin comes up to my room and tells me to get outside and talk to you because anyone who climbs a tree to throw rocks at your window deserved my attention.  She was so right.

Your Clothes

In every part of that taylor song, a million memories come running into my head.

With out fail when it hits the chorus that goes:

So I'll go
Sit on the floor wearing your clothes
all that I know is I don't know
How to be something you'd miss.
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
I never imagined it end like this
your name forever the name on my lips
just like our last
kiss


I think of the element sweater you gave me senior year of high school. I'm so happy I never threw it away like I did almost everything else. Now when I miss you I take off all my clothes, put on that hoodie and write and write until every memory I have of you is written down. I never want to forget you.

September 2013

We had been talking for weeks about how it had been almost a year since we last saw each other. Then one thursday you texted me 4 words: coming to see you.

When you got into town I picked you up and took you to my house. We drank hard cider and I got tipsy. You got worried about me and started talking about how much you didn't like alcohol while forcing me to drink water. Then we went up to my room and watched a movie and cuddled. Cuddling with you is something I have never experienced with anyone else. You were like a cloud of silk. Gentle and comforting, you smelled just enough like outdoors/man/and weed. Your arms were strong and soft. When you held me it was like, I'd found my place.

I worked that weekend. After work on Saturday I begged you to go to a gay bar with me. You finally relented with the stipulation that you absolutely could not dance. We went. You danced, just the thought makes me smile. That night you slept in my bed.

We kissed. We kissed a lot. When you climbed on top of me to come into me, I pushed you off. Confused you asked what was going on. I told you - " I already love you with out sex, I don't know what sex would do to me." You answered - "You and love...". Then I turned my back to you thinking that was the end of that. You spooned me, held me, and stroked my hair. That night you fell asleep before I did and I just stared at you for a long time before I fell asleep.

The next morning you asked me to shower with you. I turned you down. I regret that.

Last Kiss

I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go away?
Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
I never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last...

Smile Every Day

Today I am tired.
On days that I'm tired I miss you more than other days when I'm not tired. When I'm tired and I can't control where my thoughts go, they always go to you. Last week I was in DC on a class trip. The last time I was there, I was there with you. I could handle it for the most part. Except when my teacher asked how I was doing with the death of my friend. I shrugged it off, but as soon as we got back to the hostel I went into the shower and cried. I cried until my eyes were bloodshot. Then the Holocaust Museum, I cried more remembering being there with you than i did about the mass genocide.

But today- today I got an alone moment and I would have done anything in the world to call you. To see your face. To hear your voice. It is like when I remember that you no longer exist my heart can't take it. Even now thinking about it, I can't contain the emotion.

Graduation is coming up in a month and my present to myself is going to be a tattoo. I want it to have your initials in an acrostic. I'm trying out things, hence the subject line of this post. I miss you. I miss you so much.

The Drive

I love to drive. You know that though. You know how hard it was for me to lend you my car. You know that I'd love to go for drives with you to anywhere and sit and talk on the hood of the car.

This last year I've had to travel about 20 minutes to an internship. Around 5 minutes into the drive, I pass a cemetery. Before January, I always used to wonder why on earth people would make sure there were always fresh flowers on the grave. Who would want to put that much work into a grave sight. Now I understand. I want to. I want to bring you crazy flowers and sit and talk to your head stone. I want to lay on your plot of land at night and watch the stars. When I'm overwhelmed with grief, I want to be able to look at your name etched in stone and touch it. I realize this sounds crazy, but you know I've always been crazy when it comes to you.

I understand now why people believe that when you die you go straight to heaven. It's a really comforting thought to think that you're watching from heaven. To think you can see me crying when I think about never seeing your face again. To know that you can see how all the people you left behind are coping. I know none of that is true though. I know you stay in the ground. I know you have no idea how much this affected so many people. You are now a pile of dust.

Just typing that makes my heart ache.

I used to believe in soul mates. I used to think that you were mine and I never worried about what would happen to my love life, because I knew in the end... it was you. We molded each other to be our "person". I keep remembering when you would FaceTime me at three in the morning to talk about your worries. I loved those talks, even if I was half asleep. You always asked when we would see each other again. I guess now the answer is never. I miss you.

Journal entry from April 7, 2012

This is how the story went, I met this kid on accident. He was scarred and alone in life. We got along well enough and one day on the way home from home leave sitting in the back of jenny perdues minivan he kissed me. That was it. We found out everything about each other. He was practically an orphan whose mother had died the summer before. We realized I had been sitting next to him when he got the call, but neither of us had known it at the time.

Our friendship stemmed from both basically failing math. We would sit through the class and just joke the whole time. From there we grew to be honest with each other which built trust that neither of us had known before. Through trust came fondness and fondness opened the door to unguarded love. And so began our roller coaster of a relationship. Neither of us knew how to communicate and jealousy became an issue. Our problem solving technique was to yell at each other, break up, and fix it a few hours later. Childish love. That is really the only way to describe it. After officially breaking up came graduation and parting. We had a sustain for each other, my guess is that it stemmed from pain and our prides were both hurt.

Yet every time we were in the vicinity of each other it was like a moth to the flame. We were just drawn to each other. If we weren't making out, we were having a serious conversation, or he was teaching me to skate, or we were fighting about some difference in views. No matter the out come we would text for days, sometimes weeks afterward. Since high school we have never gone a whole year with out speaking. Finally Steaven decided he needed a new start and moved to Cali.  I doubt this is the end of our story, but at the moment it sure feels like it is.

This relationship is the cornerstone to the rest of my relationships. It helped to mold who I am and Steaven Edward Davis has left an impression on me that will last my entire life time.

Box

I'm getting closer and closer to graduating. I have good stressors and bad stressors., but nothing paralyses me more than when I realize I will never see your face again.

The visor in my car has three pictures in it. The first is of you and I our junior year. It was taken by my parents in a church. You had been in appropriately touching me moments before they took the picture. Your face is one of concern and surprise and mine is of joy and laughter. That is the photo I usually see. When I see it I laugh because you look so surprised.

The second photo is of us again. This time it's senior year right after the talent show. I'm holding onto you for dear life and you have your arm around me. You're wearing a bed sheet tied around your neck like a cape. You're a super hero. You're my super hero.

The third picture is not of you- it's of the trifecta. Me and my two closest girl friends. It is graduation day. We had just been playing soccer while waiting to walk down the isle and finish our highschool experience. I had given you a scrap book that you had put into a box a long with something for me "to discover in years to come". After the ceremony we took that box to our spot in the woods and buried it with the hope of finding it at a reunion one year. I never went to a high school reunion. You went every year.

When I went to the north for your service, I stopped at our high school first. Through feet of snow I dug. Trying to find that god damn box. It's gone. Or I've forgotten where we left it. I think you took it. I think you had that box. I remember hearing that while you were a dean you'd disappear to the woods every once in a while. I hope you had it.

To Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face,
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free,
You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

The Day You Died

Listening to: Make You Feel My Love - Adele

It's been almost 6 years since graduation. Since the day I said goodbye to you, never for you to have a full time role in my life ever again. You won my heart in a way that no one else had before. After graduation our relationship was spotty. I'd hear from you a few times a month at first, but anytime we were around each other it was like a gravitational pull to each other. There was rarely a time that I was in your area or you were in mine that we didn't see each other or spend the night together.

Last Friday I was talking to you about my past. About how I was scared that my past was influencing my future and defining me. You were calm the whole time and gave me amazing advice. I wanted to tell you I love you, but that never ends well when I say it out loud. This Friday you over dosed. They say you went to sleep and you never woke up. Today is the 1st of Feburary 2014. This is the worst day of my life.

This seems so unreal. I keep waiting for a text from you that says - Man, people like to gossip - or something like that. I don't want this to be true. I want someone to have their facts wrong, but your phone goes straight to voice mail, your Facebook is deleted, and all the social media sites say that your life is over.

After our friend died last February I told you how often I was having night mares about people committing suicide. I asked you every time I talked to you for almost 6 months to please not die, because I wouldn't be able to stand it... I was right. I can't stand this. Why did you over dose? Did you know you over dosed? Did you know that you were ending your life? I know you had a crazy difficult life, but god I loved you. I wanted to always be there for you, because you were always there for me.

I'm not in denial. But I wish this was joke. I wish so badly this was a joke. Can this be a joke?